Oh hey Valentine's Day, you snuck up on my there...I didn't see you coming for me. I was busy feeling sorry for myself after being alone for Christmas. I was spending all my free time looking at my instagram feed of photos of me kissing my wine glass, the wall and the air on New Years Eve. Le sigh.
I have always wondered why the universe decided to place three holidays so close together. I wondered this the most when I was single. For those of you who know me, you have followed my recovery from a bad case of a broken-heart over on my blog. For those of you who have no idea who I am, I will give you a quick re-cap. I fell in love three times, got dumped three times, a sat alone for three years crying, then I wrote a book about it called Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom. Shortly after that, I became the poster child for everything not to do after a break-up.
After I got all of that heartbreak out of my system, a very magical thing happened. I met “the one." There he was, all 6" 5' of him, standing in front of me, willing to love me till the end of the Earth. This Christmas we got engaged, and on New Years Eve we smooched under the moon in Thailand. Oh crap, I am not helping, am I? This was supposed to be a blog about how to deal with being alone on Valentine's Day. You hate me already.
I guess my point is that, sure, being alone lands at the same level of suckery as say a Brazilian bikini wax and weighing yourself, but it isn't permanent. This too shall pass. If you are cool enough to end up on this blog, then I have a good feeling that you are cool enough to land a major babe, forever lover.
So, I wanted to make you feel better about your lone-lies. I thought I would start out with talking about what I am dreading this Valentine's Day. Change around the point of view so that you can see all the bad parts about being “in a relationship” on Facebook and in life, on the big V-Day.
First of all, I am dreading damn Victoria and her secret. Someone along the way made Valentine's Day into, “dress up in something sexy for your lover that is red, pink or black day." This involves wearing a bra, getting a wax and wearing heels indoors to bed. Lord know I wouldn't be caught dead in this ridiculous outfit in flats. I am never going to look like I have any clue what I am supposed to be doing in one of these get-up. I feel slightly silly about the entire thing, and usually end up laughing. I am also one of those people who tend to “snort” when they laugh, and then I become some sort of snorting, laughing, girl in a red lace outfit. It’s not cute. Also, lingerie is expensive. By the time you get the whole outfit, it's a hundred bucks! Unless of course you decide to buy your lingerie at Target, which I used to do until I ran into my boss, who was also buying lingerie at Target, and I had to quit my job. There are two things you cannot buy at Target, lingerie and yeast infection cream. This rule doubles if you live in Hollywood and go to the Target on La Brea because there is a really good chance Ryan Gosling will be standing beside you at the checkout. He is even hotter in person, trust me.
Secondly, Valentine's Day means you are expected to “be in the mood”. Even if it is on a Tuesday, even if you are fat, bloated, PMS-ing, moody or just plain not in the mood. Don't get me wrong, I love a little love nuzzle, but the pressure. It's too much. It's like having sex on your wedding night...high pressure sex never turns out well.
Then, there is the whole thing about “being in love.” Valentine's Day is the temperature gauge for your relationship. It's the one day out of the year where everyone is comparing each others relationships with everyone else’s based solely on the gifts they receive. My friend was once given a horse-back ride through the mountains, followed by a private meal and a full body moonlit massage. I got a calendar full of cats wearing tophats. I really loved that calendar, but I was left feeling like my relationship wasn't good enough somehow. Like our love was inferior, somehow. Valentine’s Day is all about the bragging rights. It’s a day filled with Facebook updates full of flower bouquets and declarations of love for everyone to see. Nothing is worse than posting a picture of your “cats in tophats” calender, and the next person in your timeline posting a photo of a brand new BMW. I would rather be single.
The one hundred percent, hand down worst part about being in a relationship on Valentine's Day is having to pretend that baby's breath isn't the most disgusting, insulting excuse for a flower, ever. Having to call someone that I most likely care a great deal about and then lie to their face while I thank them for the bouquet of red roses and baby’s breath. Red roses are like the porn stache of love but baby's breath, it’s almost downright insulting. “ I care about you enough to give you a flower that is slightly more interesting than grass, and is also used heavily at funerals.” Thanks but no thanks Valentine's Day flowers.
So single girls, the grass is not always greener. I say, this year revel in your single-ness and spend the day giving yourself a giant hug. If that doesn't work, here are a few ideas for a super fun Valentine's Day sans love.
1. Host a single girls Valentine’s Day mixer and watch The Notebook and drool over Ryan Gosling.
2. Spend the night in and treat yourself to an at home spa (bath in fancy oils, hair treatment, facial mask and paint your toenails bright red).
3. Wait until late at night and go to your nearest drugstore and buy all the yummy Valentine’s Day candy at 50% and then eat as much as you want.
4. Read a romance novel. Fabio will never let you down!
5. Clean your closet. It feels so good!
6. Make a list of all the things you are manifesting for your future relationships. I strongly believe that you have to ask the Universe for exactly what you want!
7. Watch old episodes of Friends. Jennifer Aniston had hair that perfect and she still couldn’t find a man. Doesn't that make everything better?
8. Take your dog to the dog-park. The only other people there will be single and/or dog lovers. Double rainbow!
9. Hop down to the florist and buy yourself some perfect white stargazer lilies. Think about me and my revolting baby's breath on the way out.
10. Remember that you are lovable, worthy of love and will one day be in love on Valentine’s Day, and that this case of the lone-lies won’t last forever! Promise!
Keltie Colleen is a blogger/author. You can check out her blog on Buzznet and you can "Like" her Facebook page for a free chapter of her book Rockettes, Rockstars and Rockbottom